The Second Child Fear

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage. Isn’t that how the saying goes? You’ve started your family, you’re over the newborn hump and maybe starting to get into the groove of being a parent. It’s all well and good. But soon you start getting the question  “so when is number 2 coming?” Maybe it’s just me but I feel like when people ask that they think that I should already be pregnant, or that I should be ready for baby number two. But here’s the thing… I am not ready. I’m actually terrified of having a second baby. Don’t get me wrong, I do want one, I want Lil to have a sibling, I want a bigger family than 3. I want my children to be friends and always have each other. I want Lil to have someone to complain about us with, to have a make-believe castle with, or to have a secret language with.

But I’m scared.

What if second baby comes and I don’t love them as much as I love Lilly? I’m afraid of less time with my Lilly, I’m afraid of not being able to be a mom for two people. I’m afraid of everything that comes with being a new mom all over again. What if second baby comes and I don’t love them as much as I love Lilly? I look at Lilly and everything inside me explodes. I’m enamored with her and can’t get over how much I love her. So how on earth can I have enough room in my heart for one more?

I worry that the second baby will come along and Lilly will feel forgotten, that she’ll feel dejected or unwanted. I worry about being able to do it all. Being able to be everything I want to be for myself, and everything I want to be for my kids and my family.  

Maybe I’m overthinking it, maybe every mom goes through this? But when people ask me when I’m having another baby, my heart clinches a little, and my anxiety peaks just a little. Deep down I know that it’ll all be alright, that there is room, that I will love all of my children with my whole heart. But I haven’t had that feeling yet, I haven’t had that ah-ha moment of realization that it is time. And that is okay. For now I’m going to enjoy my girl and it just being the three of us. I’m going to wait until I’m ready, until we’re ready. So no, I’m not having a second baby yet. And no, I’m not thinking about it yet. But it will happen, just give me time, let me enjoy right now.