Loving Again Journal

Okay everyone! Here it is our last guest post of the March Madness of bloggers! Today I have Breanna from Maintaining Me. Bre Richey is a wife and mom of 2 under 2. She enjoys organizing, Starbucks, and blogging about being a mom and pastor's wife. So lastly but certainly not least, and without further ado here is Bre.

Loving Again Journal Entries

Birth of First Child – Baby Boy

After two days of contractions every five minutes, I’m staring at the most beautiful baby I’ve ever laid eyes on. My first child. It’s probably the hormones, but I’m suddenly inundated with a mixture of feelings. The relief that it’s finally over hits me immediately. I look around me at the commotion and back down at my baby and I feel overwhelmed. I realize how amazing it is that I just carried another human being inside of me for 9 months and I instantly feel pride well up within myself. Then I look down at my baby and it really is love at first sight. I know it’s the first time were seeing each other but I immediately feel an undeniable connection.

Birth of Second Child – Baby Girl

Just 15 short months after giving birth to my first child, we’re heading to the hospital again. I’m excited, yet nervous to change our family dynamic. My son is so young and still needs his mom, and I’m worried he’s going to get neglected. I reassure myself that our new baby will fit into to our family perfectly and everyone will love her just as much as I do.

After 12 hours in the hospital, I’m staring at my beautiful daughter. Similar to last time, I feel relieved yet overwhelmed. I’m excited that she’s finally here! I’m desperately searching for that incredible emotional connection, but instead start to feel distant. I obviously love her, but our bond isn’t as strong as I was expecting it to be. I guess I was assuming this experience would be similar to my experience with my son, but it’s so different and I don’t know why.

The next morning we FaceTime my husband’s parents who are at home with my son. That was the first night I have ever been away from my son and I miss him so much. After the call, while I’m bawling my eyes out, I decide that I can’t be away from my son any longer and we need to get home now. How is it possible that I’m here with my gorgeous daughter and I’m thinking about my son? Shouldn’t I be so infatuated with her that I can’t think about anything else?  I’m trying not to think about the uncertainty creeping into my mind but I begin to doubt if I love her as much as I love my son.

Home with Baby

Two weeks old – We’ve been home for two weeks now and life is drastically different. It’s hard. The baby doesn’t sleep unless she’s being held which means that I don’t sleep. She insists on being held every moment of the day. People are telling me that she is just a normal newborn but I don’t remember my son being this difficult. I want to bond with her and I’m trying to force some kind of connection but she’s not making it easy. If I wasn’t so exhausted maybe I would have more energy to put towards our relationship but it’s taking everything in me just to make sure she’s fed and clean.

3 months old – The newborn fog is starting to clear and more importantly, I feel like my daughter and I are finally starting to bond. Although we definitely still have our rough moments! Now that I have a baby and a toddler to tend to, I’m not able to spend every waking moment with her like I did when I had one child so it’s proving to be more challenging to form that connection.

6 months old – My beautiful daughter just turned six months old and life feels normal – as normal as it can be with two kids under two! I reflect back and almost feel silly for not thinking I could love her as much as I love my son. With my son our bond formed the moment I held him in my arms but my bond with my daughter just took some time. While I do love both of my children equally, I wouldn’t say that I love both of them the same. They are both very unique and remarkable, as is my love for them. While nothing will ever compare to the moment I became a mother, the moment I became her mother will hold an equal place in my heart.

If you’re anxious about having a second baby, I want you to know one thing: What you’re feeling is normal. It’s okay to have doubts and it’s okay to be confused. Nothing will ever replace the love you have for your first child, but your new baby will plant themselves on your heart in a way you never thought possible! It is true what they say – “love doesn’t divide, it multiplies”. Get in lots of cuddles with your oldest, start bonding with your sweet baby, and get ready for your heart to grow.