Sometimes the hardest thing in the world for me is patience. I have none of it and I always want things done right away. I love the instant gratification or the satisfaction of knowing something is complete. Last week we moved into our new house. It was a crazy week and we have gotten so much done in such a short amount of time, but I’m sitting here tapping my fingers on the counter beating myself up over how “incomplete” the house is. Why? Not a clue. We’ve been in the house for less than a week and there is not a single person on earth who thinks I should have this place completely ready to go, except for me. When things aren’t in order in my home or in my world I completely lose focus and feel anxious and unsettled. All the things that I want to be doing fall by the wayside, like my blog and my yoga. I also feel guilty. I’m a SAHM so it SHOULD be done. I’m home all day, isn’t that what housewives do? Clean, cook, take care of the kids.... yes I do all of those things and I think I’ve gotten quite a bit of the unpacking done. The master bedroom is done, the kitchen is done and portions of all the other rooms are done. But mix my impatience with my guilt and I’m a ticking time bomb lately. The feeling of being unable to juggle all of these tasks, to-do’s and lists has me in a frantic state.
When baby is awake I’m juggling doing little things to unpack along with feeding, changing and playing with her. When she is sleeping I’m in a constant debate with myself over what room to work on, what box to tackle, do I clean or do I leave the house a mess? Should I put up some art? Should I paint the window sills? How is the garage doing? OMG the laundry! Do I sit down to write for a bit? I should keep up with my social media for the blog! Do I go for a walk and get some exercise for myself? …. insert head exploding here. These debates have gone through my head on a daily basis for the last week. But no matter how much I tell myself to take it easy and to slow down, I can’t. All of this frustrates me immensely because I’m in a gorgeous new home, and I have the exciting task of MAKING it a home ahead of me. I know deep down that all these thoughts are irrational and quite frankly stupid, but I cannot control them.
My hope is that this week I can start to feel normal again. To get back to a life not all consumed by unpacking and going a million miles a minute. To get back to my blogging, my yoga, relaxing at night and feeling like I’m home. I know this post doesn’t have a call to action, it isn’t me giving you helpful tips or telling you all something amazing. It is simply me venting and my little way of getting my feelings out there into the universe. Maybe if I put them out there and put them into actual words, I can tackle how I work with them. Here’s hoping…